The Only Person You're Accountable To in ED Recovery
this post was originally written for just my instagram, but i found it so important that i decided to share on here, too!
when i was in the depths of my eating disorder, i constantly seeked external validation for any actions not in favor of my illness.
i could only eat if others knew i was eating, or had documented it in some way. i would only allow myself to rest if i received infinite praise from those around me. and if in the rare case that i allowed myself a minuscule amount of a FEAR FOOD, i would treat it like the biggest thing in the world and PANIC if no one noticed this INCREDIBLE task of eating something that wasn’t deemed as ‘safe’.
in the beginning, i felt recovery wasn’t my own. i thought i was doing it for other people. i felt i was eating and resting and attempting the whole ‘gaining weight’ so that people wouldn’t give me that disgusted look anymore, so that my family wouldn’t be ashamed, so that i would be taken seriously by OTHER PEOPLE.
if ever i felt that was not the case, i would throw my hands in the air and engage in all my ED behaviors. because this is what i knew and trusted. this is what i slowly learned to do since the age of eleven. this was my coping mechanism.
but that was in the beginning. holding others accountable for YOUR OWN ACTIONS is exhausting and downright unsustainable.
as i progressed through my recovery and started engaging in behaviors that my eating disorder tried to kill me for, i started to realize something.
at the end of the day, the only person you’re accountable to, is yourself. i started asking myself questions: did you do your best today? are you making steps to a future you will enjoy? did you take actions that will benefit you?
in early recovery, it sometimes feels like you’re doing it all for someone else. eating a fear food or skipping that morning run may feel like your ‘paying the price’ to make someone else relieved or satisfied, but at the end of the day you’re doing it for yourself. to recover, you need to challenge the fears because they will help you get better. and getting better means happiness and living a life you love. YOUR LIFE. no one else’s.
.so here’s to eating that brownie when no one is looking, to skipping that workout, to living a life in which you are your own boss.